I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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