he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
