i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
