i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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