she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
