She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
