you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
