dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
