i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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