Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
