Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
