I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
