Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
