You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
