Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize