Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
