He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
