I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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