operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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