tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize