I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
