I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
