im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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