He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
