My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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