so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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