I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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