I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
