Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
