I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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