grandma shit on top of the toilet
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize