I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
