Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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