My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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