We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize