bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
