I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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