on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
