Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
pop tarts are not kleenex
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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