I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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