That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
