Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
True strength comes from lack of pants
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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