Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
