Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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