You're my little dorito
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
