8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You're breaking my sexual little heart
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
