i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
