I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
