I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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