dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
