I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
