Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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