even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
