my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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