Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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