Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
