I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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