remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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