Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
