we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
