fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
God gave him joint rollers for hands
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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