you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
