Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
